Interlude...

There are a lot of spoof Ladybird books around.  I thought I would attempt to convey the experience of providing customer service in a similar vein. I’ve tried to break them into paragraphs as per the original Ladybird books, a technique that I can’t help but notice has influenced my writing style to this day.

Please note that for legal reasons these are generic experiences and not necessarily associated with any castles of our recent acquaintance.

 
Here is Peter. Peter is your first customer.  He would like to buy a single ticket.
Peter has 7 Euros, 76 pence in loose change, a Polo mint wrapped in tissue and a £50 note in his wallet.
Peter buys a ticket and now has 7 Euros, £44.26 and a Polo mint wrapped in tissue in his wallet.
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Here is Peter again. Peter now wants to swap his ticket for a concession as he has just remembered he is 67 years old. 
Peter now has 7 Euros, £44.96 and a Polo mint wrapped in tissue, and a large bruise.
 
Here is Jane.
Jane was behind Peter in the queue.
For a very long time.
Jane is cross. Jane buys a ticket with a £20 note.
Jane now has lots of little coins in her purse.
Jane jingles like an angry fairy as she stomps up the steps.
 
Here are Bob and Marjorie.
Bob and Marjorie are on holiday with their son Tom.
Tom is 22 and works in Asda. Tom has a beard you could hide an otter in.
Bob asks for 2 adult tickets and I child’s ticket. Bob chuckles at his little joke.
Bob is the only one laughing.
 
Here are Joan and Barry.
Joan and Barry are members of National Trust, English Heritage, Historic Scotland, The Caravan Club and UKIP.
Barry says a very naughty word when you tell him that none of these will grant them free entry.
Poor Joan and Barry
 
Here comes Doris.
Doris is 81 years old.
You know this because she has told you three times already. 
Doris is eating a Polo mint she found wrapped in tissue. 
Doris is 81 years old.
 
Here is Hans.
You offer Hans a German translation.
Hans is from Switzerland, not Germany.
He has just informed you of this in a most efficient manner. Han’s moustache is bristling.
Someone won’t be getting a cuckoo clock for Christmas.
 
Here is Gary and his wife ‘the wife’.
Gary is from Newcastle. Gary is wondering why you asked him if he required a leaflet in a different language.
Gary and ‘the wife’ spend 12 ½ minutes in the castle then ask for directions to the tearoom.
 
Here is Doris again.
She is still 81.
 
Cliff and Tammy are here.
Cliff and Tammy are from America. America is a big country far away.
Cliff and Tammy love Scotland. They show this by wearing tartan hats that no Scotsman would ever wear.
Tammy thinks Outlander is a documentary.
Cliff is drooling over the guns on display.
Cliff and Tammy are very happy.
 
The Frasier family have brought Spot the dog on holiday with them.  Lucky Spot.  
Spot was sick in the car. Daddy is very cross. See his red face.
Mummy is washing sick out of Daisy’s hair.
Clever mummy.  
 
Here is Eric.
Eric tells you he has taken a picture of a white tailed eagle.
Eric is very pleased with himself as he shows you a picture of a crow.
 
Today it is raining.
Toms face appears at the ticket booth window.
Tom says “Och aye the noo…It’s a bonny day, nice weather for the wee ducks eh pal?”
Tom is from Romford.
Tom has stepped in something sticky.
Oops, naughty Spot. 
 
 Michael and Jenny get off a big coach with 41 of their friends. They are all from Australia.
Except Michael and Jenny who are from New Zealand. They are very clear about this.
They are all on holiday together. Lucky people.
They have been to 14 castles, 23 tea shops, 17 museums, 6 distilleries and Iona.
Michael and Jenny couldn’t give a Four X about yet another castle.

Michael and Jenny’s bus driver is called Donald. Donald thinks he is Jackie Stewart.
See the sheep bounce.
Look out for that deer Donald!
Jenny has never seen the insides of a deer before.
See Jenny turn green.
 
Listen, here come Nigel and Susan.
Nigel is driving an Audi. See him park. 
How lucky that no one else wanted to use those disabled parking bays.
Can you tell the time? The time here is 5pm. Everyone is getting ready to go home for supper.
Nigel and Susan didn’t see the sign saying you close at 5pm.
Nigel and Susan didn’t see the rope they climbed over and they also missed the closed doors and empty ticket hut. Silly Nigel and Susan.

Nigel and Susan want to know where the nearest Waitrose is and where they can get a decent organic eggs benedict before the 8.30am ferry.
Silly Nigel and Susan have forgotten that they aren’t in Brighton anymore. 
 
Sylvie and Jean-Pierre are from France.
Sylvie and Jean-Pierre are camping. They are carrying all their possessions on their backs.
Jean-Pierre packed 5 socks and a spare pair of underpants for their 2 week holiday. Lucky Sylvie.
The ferry leaves in 5 minutes.
Have you tried running with all your possessions on your back?
Sylvie and Jean-Pierre have.
Run Sylvie and Jean-Pierre, run!

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